Table of Contents
(laying out my intentions and it’s still true)
Let Me Warn You: Most of You Are Stupid
(a very cruel grammar guide)
Something for Nothing, Almost
(the first contest, include a “guess the owner of the mystery boobs” featuring Liz Taylor’s ample melons)
My Best Friend Is A Junkie!
(there is an update as well as a web-exclusive follow-up available only as a downloadable PDF)
I Enjoy Being a Girl or, Sensitivity Corner
(the gayest thing I’ve every done, culminating with a poem about the dreams of my stuffed animals)
(I was a Lit. Major with a minor in Irony)
Are You Ready for Marriage?
(a not-very-serious quiz about your compatibility and the timing of your nuptials from a guy about to get married)
(my experiences on the canceled MTV game show Idiot Savants where I played against the now famous Joel Stein of Time Magazine and kicked his ass four out of five days) This is now available for download as a free PDF, enhanced with some spot colors just for fun. Click here
to download it.
Isn’t That Embarrassing?
(famous people in very bad situations, including David Duchovny wearing a teacup over his tiny package and Hitler in shorts)
Just to Prove a Point
(beginning my tradition of using pictures of myself in my zine, this time to prove that I was not a total mutant dispatching hate from a cave somewhere in rural England)
(there is a connection but it's pretty obscure)
My Life as a Pedophile/Bisexual/Fitness Instructor/Porn Star
(my adventures on AOL in the early years, developing a weird but fascinating relationship with a very bright young girl, goofing on a lot of stupid, horny men, and trying to get free porn out of one very articulate English porn star named Nici Sterling
The Eighth and Ninth Circles of Hell
(the vicious hate that amuses angry boys, this time as a list of the most despicable things humanity has to offer)
(reviews of many CDs, but only cover songs and tribute albums)
(I still get angry mail about this, but who the fuck cares about what a bunch of whining dicks think? If the asshole fits, wear it)
How You Know They’re 100% Wrong
(my first dig at religious wackos)
(my first attempt at making my zine into American Lawyer
(my first ad parody, substituting a needle for a cumstache like in the real ads; oddly, no one ever noticed that the needle was thick and blunt because it was a needle from my vet used to get medicine into my rat's mouth)