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Putting On A Tit Show
Carpet monkey
There was a famous study done to scientifically determine whether or not being loved helped in growth and development. Some scientists, who were insane, thought that the reason a baby monkey flourished was because it got to be near a warm, soft body, not because it was loved. So they did this experiment where some of the monkeys got to be with their mothers and a bunch of other monkeys were left alone in a cage with a monkey made out of carpet. It didn't really even look like a monkey, but it was made of carpet and was meant to simulate the monkey's existence if it had been with the mother. See, the only difference between hugging a carpet monkey and your mother is love. The results were that the carpet monkey babies weighed less, got sick more often and in some cases, they died. That's pretty fucked up. I hope that the knowledge helps science somehow because I can't imagine having my mom taken away and being thrown in a cage with a carpet monkey. I don't know why this particular expression has been so enduring in my life. Sometimes when you get mad at your folks, you wonder if it wouldn't have been better to be raised by a carpet monkey.
You Park Nice!
I really don't like the French. It's been my experience with them that they are pompous douchebags. From oily Claude, the guy who sold me my car and then dated my friend to the pretentious freaks at Cirque du Soleil, they are a bunch of weirdos. I do love lime Perrier, though. My wife and I went to Montreal for a vacation because we like Canada and it's a very short flight. We landed at like 11PM and then used GPS to locate the hotel. Some stuff is just in French but I took four years of French in high school and I still understand a lot of it. We figured it would be really expensive to park at the hotel, so we parked at a lot half a block away. It was below freezing when we landed and it was even colder by the time we got to the lot. I pulled up to the booth and got out to talk to the attendant. He looked like Henri from Cheers, the douchey French guy that wanted to steal Woody's girlfriend, with the stubble and streaming scarf. I asked how much it would be and he said $20 for the night, but it had to be out by 8AM or it would cost more. I hadn't had a chance to get Canadian money, but most places will give you change and at the time, the dollar was $1.40 in Canada. I said that all I had was U.S. dollars and he snatched it out of my hand and said that's what he said it was, $US20. I knew I was getting taken but the hair in my nose was freezing over with ice crystals from standing outside and I really needed to shower and go to sleep.
I got back in my rental car and drove to the aisle closest to the hotel. The car next to me was halfway into my spot so I compensated. After bundling up, we got out of the car gathered up our luggage. As we walked away from the lot, Frenchie came chasing after us and said to me, full of Le French Contempte and said, "You park nice!" I didn't understand what he meant and I looked at the cars. By the stripes on the ground, the other guy was just on the edge of his and to give us room to open the doors, I had parked accordingly. Apparently, this park was not "nice," so I had to get back in the car, back up, straighten out and then try to please Frenchie. So now whenever one of us hasn't done anything wrong but you want to scold them anyway, you say, "You park nice!" Or when someone does a good job on something, "You paint nice! You make baby nice!" I don't think we have ever done it with a French accent, we always sound like Borat from the Ali G show, something eastern European. I zine nice, yes?
It's made from monkey come
Any time my wife and I can't identify the flavor of something, we say that it's made from monkey come. We usually say it in the same non-specific eastern European accent as "You Park Nice," but that's because in this case, the original speaker was either Bosnian or Serbian. What's the difference, really? It's from the underrated Kids in the Hall movie Brain Candy. In the movie, they come up with a drug that makes everyone happy. Mark McKinney plays a surly cabbie who is driving some kids around when they start talking about the drug. He turns to them with sneering contempt and says, "It's made from monkey come," and then explains how they get the monkeys to come so they can harvest it.
Why is the mummy mad?
This is a rhetorical question, though one that probably has a legitimate answer. I was thinking about all the great movie monsters and their motivations are usually quite clear. They all kill and destroy for various reasons. Dracula needs to feed on human blood to survive. Freddy was burned alive by the parents in a small town so he takes revenge by killing their precious children. I always ask my wife annoying questions because sometimes I am annoying. Whenever I come upon a problem that can't be solved, I ask, "Why is the mummy mad?" Maybe he was in a deep sleep and some jackass woke him up, or maybe he's just acting on a curse that was put on him thousands of years ago. It's a question I ask like a Buddhist asking what is the sound of one hand clapping. It sounds like a mad mummy.
Putting on a Tit Show
As my long-time readers know, I am an ass-man. You can say what you like about a full, round rack full of sweater meat or ramble on about the delights of the vag, but for me, if ya ain't got ass, ya ain't got a ride home from *me*. Let me be clear, I am not into anal sex, in fact, I have never had it, pitching or catching, but that's ok. I like to look at a fine ass and I personally believe that the thong is just about the single most amazing hoax that men have perpetrated on women since making them take the pill. We have somehow convinced them that letting their entire ass hang out of their panties is not only comfortable, but that it's preferable, especially if you are hot. Could you imagine a dude wearing a thong that separated his balls into two separate areas? If you're not retching, you must be a girl. Or a manly version of a girl. You know who you are. That being said whenever a woman wears a top that in any way accentuates her boobs, that is called “putting on a tit show.” Every woman is all too aware of which tops they buy which can direct attention toward or away from the boobs, so when they make a conscious decision to showcase their boobs, almost every man, and manly girl (you know who you are, too) will want to watch the tit show. Why? Because the tit show is great to watch. I am not sure if it’s been printed in the manual, but somewhere, someone is keeping a tally of how many different boobs you have seen, and whoever dies having seen the most is entitled to some kind of undisclosed prize, payable upon death. Maybe it's a flock of virgins, maybe it's sheep who are also virgins, but everyone wants the prize. Age, weight, length, girth, whatever, it makes no difference. Put on a tit show, someone will always want to watch it. I am sure there are some guys who are so into the tit show, they could get off looking at a matectomy scar. Now that's not even a tit anymore, it's an ex-tit, and you can still use it to put on a tit show. The reason that it's hot when you can see down a girl's pants when she bends over is because it also is a tit show. You get to see some, but not all, of something you normally have to pay to see (in one way or another). So, it's like getting something that has intrinsic value for free, which is a win-win for me.
How Much Would That Pay?
This is the best way to respond when anyone asks you to do something. My wife and I use it all the time and it's also taken from the Kids in the Hall. Bruce plays Gavin, the neighborhood annoying kid. He is pestering a neighbor who is standing outside painting a chair. Gavin just blabs on and on about all kinds of arcane nonsense, but Mark just keeps on painting. Then Gavin asks if he can paint the chair. Mark rebuffs him, but Gavin is insistent. He keeps asking and asking until Mark gets so sick of him he says, "Here, come paint this little spot here." Without missing a beat, Gavin says, "How much would that pay?" This is best used when anyone asks you to do anything you don't want to do. Would you like to help me move? How much would that pay?
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