Fuck Rick Springfield
My brain is thirsty. It’s a sponge that absorbs information and it always feels parched, so I suck up information all the time. When I listen to music, I usually try to parse meaning and analyze subtext. Maybe it’s purely out of boredom or an unrecognized need in me to fill the void. There is a common misconception that we only use 10% of our brains, but there’s no way I only use 10% of my brain. I did some research and it turns out that the 10% thing is complete bullshit. They can do CAT scans and MRIs nowadays and doctors know definitively that we use all of our brains. At least some of us do, I can’t speak for you.That’s a pretty heady intro for what is essentially a simple observation that leads to a joke. I listen to a lot of different kinds of music and refuse to lock into a genre or two. I have many moods and my music reflects that. For every angry, hard-edged song I have by System of a Down or the Revolting Cocks, I have a dozen acoustic songs by sweet, sensitive bands like Prefab Sprout and Frazier Chorus. I also have a lot of pop stuff that I wouldn’t say that I am a fan of, but it’s a part of my personal history. What am I talking about? Hall and Oates. Love them. I don’t care if it’s not hip or cool to say so, but those guys wrote some great songs that I still enjoy.
So I was at the gym and a random song came on that I didn’t immediately recognize. It was Rick Springfield’s song, "Jessie’s Girl," and for some reason, way back in the 80’s, Rick was named guitarist of the year by a music magazine. In Australia. I didn’t even realize he was Australian, but I immediately equated that win to a Special Olympics medal. When all the competition is retarded, it’s not hard to shine. So I listened carefully to the words and tried to figure out what was really being said. By the time he got to the first chorus, I said to myself, "This creep is a fucking stalker! What kind of douche lusts after his best friend’s girlfriend, especially since Jessie’s never done a damn thing to Rick Springfield." Well, spelling Jesse with an “i” is pretty gay, but he does have a hot girlfriend. Here are the lyrics that open the song:
Jessie is a friend,
Yeah, I know he’s been a good friend of mine
But lately something’s changed
It ain’t hard to define
Jessie’s got himself a girl
And I want to make her mine
So what we know so far is that Rick Springfield has a good friend named Jessie, but apparently "something’s changed" to alter the friendship. And what is that has changed? "Jessie’s got himself a girl." I have seen a lot of friendships change as a result of a girlfriend’s influence, but in this case, it’s pretty obvious that the girlfriend isn’t the cause of the problems, per se, but rather that her existence threatens the friendship because Rick obviously is not a good friend. He uses his friends like a farm team for new women, maybe because he’s a creepy stalker who can’t get a girl on his own. Do you think Jessie would steal Rick’s girl? We can infer that he wouldn’t because Jessie is a good friend, by Rick’s admission. Good friends don’t steal their friend’s girlfriends. Even the 10 Commandments say that you shouldn’t covet your neighbor’s wife, even if she is very hot. Let’s continue.
And she’s watching him with those eyes
And she’s lovin’ him with that body, I just know it!
And he’s holding her in his arms, late, late at night
The telling line in here for me is the emphasized, "I just know it!" How does he just know it? Because he is clearly spending a lot of his idle time fantasizing about her naked. He wants that body. He wants to possess her, like a trophy. She has no feelings of her own, she is merely an object that he wishes to steal from his "good friend." When he says "that body," it’s obvious that he has broken her down into consumable body parts, like she’s an object instead of a person. Rick is the kind of guy that would joke that the useless piece of skin around a vagina is called the woman. You can also tell that Jessie’s girl is the object of Rick’s obsession for two reasons. One, he doesn’t even address her by name, she is always just "Jessie’s girl." Her raison d’etre is to be a prized possession, which is exactly why Rick wants her. The fact that he imagines that Jessie is merely "holding her in his arms, late, late at night" is keeping him up at night. Rick can’t think of anything else besides the object of his desire.
You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Why can’t I find a woman like that?
I think it’s pretty obvious why Rick can’t find a girl: he’s a fuckin’ creep. He makes it seem like all you need to do to sleep with a woman is “find” her. Jessie’s girl is not lost. She is not in need of any help, yet here’s Rick, wondering why he can’t find women like that. Well, you might find a woman like that if you stopped looking for girls IN YOUR FRIENDS’ ARMS! Those girls are taken already.
I play along with this charade
There doesnt seem to be a reason to change
This “charade” that Rick speaks about so nonchalantly is, in fact, a functioning and healthy relationship that lonely Rick clearly covets. In a charade, people pretend to do something to fool others, but if it’s a charade, and the one person this is a charade to is not fooled, then it’s not much of a charade, is it? Clearly Rick’s emotional issues are getting the best of him. When he says that there doesn’t seem to be a reason to change, it is not clear if he is talking about himself or Jessie and his girl, but he does make it clearer in subsequent lines.
You know I feel so dirty
when they start talking cute
I wanna tell her that I love her
but the point is probably moot
This is the first time in the entire song that Rick seems to have enough self-awareness to realize that he is clearly transgressing the boundaries of normal friendships. It is interesting to note that the only time he starts to feel “dirty” for coveting his friend’s girl is when they start “talking cute,” as Rick puts it. They are not “talking cute” to make Rick uncomfortable, rather they are just enjoying each other’s company in a loving relationship. Now he says that he loves her, yet isn’t love borne of a mutual feeling, an outgrowth of attraction and compatibility? Or does he just want to tell her that he loves her because he wants to steal her away? If you were dating someone and their best friend just blurted out that they loved you, wouldn’t you be freaked out? I know I would be, but I am not even attracted to Rick Springfield.
’Cause she’s watching him with those eyes
And she’s lovin him with that body, I just know it
And he’s holding her in his arms late, late at night
You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Why cant I find a woman like that?
What good stalker doesn’t repeat himself often? I think it would be quite possible for him to find a woman like that if only he would look in places besides his friend’s house. You will never find a girl for yourself if you only look at other people’s relationships. As has often been said, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Who’s to say that once Rick has stolen Jessie’s girl away, that she won’t then turn around and go after one of his friends? Or that he won’t decide that he now likes her roommate, or maybe he just plans to steal Jessie’s next girlfriend? This made me start to wonder if there really was a Jessie behind all this animosity. I mean, if you were to write a song about stealing your best friend’s girl, would you really use his name in your song? You would be risking a punch in the face and the dissolution of your romantic ambitions, but at least it would be out there on the table. Since we’ve already established that Rick is a bit of a pussy, let’s agree that he changed the manly name of his best friend to "Jessie" to further humiliate his friend, all in an attempt to steal away his girlfriend.
And I’m lookin in the mirror all the time
Wonderin’ what she don’t see in me
Imagine, if you can, Rick looking in the mirror all the time, trying to imagine the thoughts of this girl, who doesn’t even have a name. He never names her because her name is completely irrelevant. He’s like a spoiled baby who only wants the other kids’ toys. I am sure that we have all seen a gorgeous girl dating a schlub of a guy and wondered, "Why him and not me?" I mean, Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett and while there’s no doubt he’s got some talent, his greatest talent has got to be hypnotizing women. Julia could have almost any man in the world (not me, though... she’s too toothy!) yet she chose to marry a guy who could charitably be called “awkward-looking.” When we see situations like this, it’s only natural to wonder what the attraction is, but Rick knows what the attraction is, and he even says so. Jessie’s been a friend, yeah, he’s always been a good friend of mine. Being a good friend is a trait that many women find attractive, but Rick only sees opportunity.
I’ve been funny; I’ve been cool with the lines
Ain’t that the way love’s supposed to be?
Tell me, why can’t I find a woman like that?
You know I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
Why can’t I find a woman like that?
Like Jessie’s girl
I wish that I had Jessie’s girl
I want, I want Jessie’s girl
I think Rick has answered his own question. The reason he can’t find a girl like Jessie’s girl is because the only place he is looking is his best friend’s bed. If Rick could do the honorable thing and put bro’s before ho’s, he might still be friends with Jessie, but I think the fact that Rick actually wrote a song about it means that he’s pretty committed to the concept of stealing his friend. But what if Jessie knew about it? How would Jessie feel, after all is said and done? Well, I think I know the answer, because Jessie wrote a rebuttal song.
You’re always dancing down the street / With your suede blue eyes
And every new boy that you meet / He doesn’t know the real surprise
When she’s dancing neath the starry sky
Ooh, she’ll make you flip (here she comes again)
When she’s dancing ’neath the starry sky / I kinda like the way she dips
Well she’s my best friend’s girl / She’s my best friend’s girl
But she used to be mine
It really makes you feel for Jessie because not only did his former friend steal his girlfriend, but he has to see them together all the time. I am sure that Jessie must realize that if she’ll cheat with you, she’ll cheat on you, so it’s probably for the best that she’s gone. The amazing thing to me is that even Jessie doesn’t want to name her, almost like it’s too painful to speak her name.
Coming Next Time:
John Waite claims that he isn’t missing you, yet he is writing songs about you to proclaim over and over that he is not missing you, at all. Methinks thou doth protest too much, douchebag.