Our winners are Eric Lyden, John Endicott and Andrea Hope.
The final scores appear at the end of this page.

Nomenclature 1) What does CBGB stand for? It stands for Country Bluegrass Blues, which is ironic now because these days it features a litany of untalented punks screaming and whining about some bullshit. Sometimes a good band will play there to reclaim some credibility, but it rarely lasts. It’s also small, gross and smelly in there and as a result, I don’t recommend a visit unless you’re a smelly punk. Update: CBGB was closed down for not paying their rent to their landlord, which was a company who helped the homeless. I always thought the club was gross and now it’s gone for good. Sorry, punks.

2) What is the name of Prof. John Frink’s proposed segment in “22 Short Films About Springfield” show?

I am not even sure why I like Prof. Frink so much. He’s supposed to be a parody of Jerry Lewis’s Nutty Professor, but I hate Jerry Lewis. Maybe it’s because he’s the voice of smart nerds on the show and I identify with that. Or maybe it’s because he’s just so damn silly. I don’t know. Poor Prof. Frink doesn’t even appear until the last minute of the episode, but he has a sign that says the name of his proposed show, “The Tomfoolery of Professor John Frink" and according to the winner of the last contest, Andrew Schaad, he also says, “Ohhh, sorry I'm late, there was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying when the monkeys stole the glasses off my head! (screen fades to black) Oh, no, please no... I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote theme music, listen!” Then he sings his theme song, which goes like this,

“Ahh-ha, hey hey
Professor Frink, Professor Frink
He'll make you laugh, he'll make you think
He likes to run
And then the thing with the... person...”

Indulge your inner nerd and visit this link from Andrew.
http://www.internerd.com/frink.retired/frinkv.2/3F/fr-3F.htm

3) What politician said, “The internet is a good way to get on the Net.”

Most people would immediately think of dipshit Dan Quayle, but they would be wrong. That fucking retard George W. Bush could’ve been a good guess, but also wrong. You had to think in terms of someone who would be too old to even grasp the concept, and that would be former Senator Bob Dole, who said it while running for President in 1996. He actually seems like a decent guy now, but at the time, a guy who would even think something like that quote was too out of touch to lead anything. On a related note, I saw a very funny bumpersticker yesterday that said, “George W. Bush isn’t qualified to run a laundromat.” And I couldn’t agree more.

4) What is Dr. Drew’s Last Name?

His last name is Pinsky, but I always wondered why he never mentioned it on his shows. Sometimes they’ll introduce him by his full name, but he’s got that show business disease where he wants people to forget he has a last name.

5) What is the full name of the first emperor of the United States?

My favorite response came from our overseas winner, Andrea Hope. She said that she thought that Neil Gaiman had made this up until she saw my question, which is awesome. There’s a great issue of the Sandman comics called “Three Septembers and a January” (I hope I am remembering it right! I have the comic, I swear!) which is a story about one of the Endless beings that are involved with human life. Usually they’re about Dream, who is the guardian of dreams, but this one is all about Delirium (who used to be Delight, but went slightly crazy). There are other comics about the other siblings, Desire, Destiny, Destruction (who has left his post), Death and of course, the homely sister, Despair, but this one is all about Delirium. The story takes place in San Francisco in olden times and there is a man who is destitute and unhappy. His name is Joshua Norton and to overcome life’s obstacles, for reasons that are not all that clear, he named himself Emperor of the United States. He draws his own money and accepted “taxes” from his various subjects. He was a little nutty, but harmless. He was actually able to get people to buy into his story and if you had some of his money today, it would be worth a fortune. The comic is based on a real person and the facts are accurate, except the part about Delirium, I think. His title was Emperor Joshua Norton I (1819-1880) and I used this question because I’m another crazy Joshua in San Francisco.

6) What is Eric Cartman’s middle name?

I don’t know if you could find this online. It’s one of those things where I see something mentioned once, just for a second, and write it down for the trivia quiz. When Cartman tries out to be in a Cheesy Poofs commercial, the director says, send in the next candidate, “Eric Theodore Cartman.” I wrote it down and used it in the trivia quiz. Most people were able to find it, so it couldn’t have been that hard.

7) Trey Parker and Matt Stone play in a band called DVDA. What does DVDA stand for?

In Trey Parker’s movie Orgazmo, they talk to one of the porn stars about the ultimate sex act, which is Double-Vaginal and Double-Anal, or DVDA. I can’t imagine how the 4 guys would be able to pull it off (or, rather, stick it in) but I like the visual. Also, if your penis touches another penis, even if it’s inside a vagina, that’s gay.

8) What is the name of Penn Jilette’s band?

Penn is a very nice and funny guy. When I first moved to NYC in 1988, a friend of mine said that sometimes on a Saturday night Penn and Teller would get a bunch of people together to go to the movies and goof on them together, like on Mystery Science Theater 3000. I thought that would be fun and one night while we were there he was talking about his band, Captain Howdy, which is also the name of the Dee Snider’s character in Strangeland. I think its origins are older than that, and I had it written down at one point, but I have completely forgotten. Sorry. If you know where the name comes from originally, let me know.

9) What is Jennifer Massoli’s stage name?

When I first started having sex with her, oh, I am just kidding! She is now known to the world as Jenna Jameson, but all porn stars change their names so that it’s harder to find their families, their high school yearbook photos and their current home addresses. That’s a smart move.

10) What is Björk’s last name?

In Iceland, your last name is usually some form of your parents’ name, and in this case, her last name is Gudmundsdottir, which means she is Gudmund’s daughter. You can kind of see what I am talking about. This is one of the few cases where the last name was dropped for reasons of expediency rather than pretension and I am down with that.

11) What is the stage name of Stuart Goddard?

I wrote a story about meeting him in a bar a long time ago for my autobiography. It’s Adam Ant and he is also a very friendly and gracious person, unlike so many of today’s rock stars.

12) What’s the name of Zorak’s nephew that was devoured?

This was the funniest and saddest moment on Space Ghost: Coast to Coast. Zorak brought his nephew to visit him on the show and Space Ghost kept asking him, “What’s with the action figure?” because he was basically a small version of Zorak, reversed and shrunk. During the episode they are trying to order a pizza but are having no luck. When they come back from the commercial break, Space Ghost says, “What happened to Raymond?” and Zorak says, “Oh, I devoured him.” Space Ghost looks shocked, then horrified and says, “That’s BARBARIC! Is there any left?” Then they immediately segue into a remembrance of Raymond’s time on the show. They have stills of all three of them flying a kite, visiting a park and hanging out together, over really sad music. God, that was so fucking funny.

13) What is Jerome McElroy’s nickname?

His name is his job, which is Chef on South Park. Even if you don’t watch the show, all of the South Park CDs are fantastic, just so you can hear the songs that Trey Parker writes for Isaac Hayes.

14) What kind of animal is a heffalump?

In the Winnie the Pooh short stories, a heffalump is an elephant. Pooh and Piglet are VERY afraid of them because they are reported to be “fierce with pigs,” which can be dangerous.

I hate Dan Halligan, the stupid punk.
I love Howard Stern, the funny Douche.

15) The core group of the Howard Stern show is Howard, Robin, Fred, Jackie, Gary and Stuttering John. I will give you one point for each of their children and pets that you can name. As a small hint, there are six children, and more than eight pets that have been mentioned by name on the air.

Howard has three daughters: Emily, Deborah and Ashley.

He also has his dog, a black lab named Java Stern. (since running the contest, Howard has gotten a new dog, a bulldog named Bianca Romijn-Stamos)
Gary has two sons: Jackson and Lucas.
Stuttering John has two daughters (one came after the contest was closed): Greta and another who I can’t remember the name of.
Fred has a dog but its name has never been mentioned to my knowledge. (Fred also has since had a daughter)
Finally, there is Robin Quivers, who has brought her cats into the studio a few times. Once she brought them in to hear a tape that was supposed to make them happy and relaxed, but it didn’t work. She moved in with her boyfriend, who also has many cats and at last count she had 9. The names I’ve got for the cats are Tut, Max, Punkin and Kelly. As regular listeners also know, she owns two show horses that she rarely sees, Blaze and Glory. Dan Halligan is still an ugly, stupid dipshit.

16) What is the name of Fred Norris’ band?

It’s King Norris and they’re actually pretty good. At least they’re much better than Stuttering John’s band.

17) What is the meaning of the tattoo of Robin Quivers’ breast? (This is worth 10 points, 5 for saying what it actually says, and 5 for saying what it means)

The tattoo is the Chinese symbol for “Star,” which is pretty damn obnoxious and pretentious if you ask me. They only mentioned it once on the air and never talked about it again. Some weeks later, a listener called in and said that he figured out why she chose that word. Howard’s family is originally from Germany, and the name Stern is German. The word “star” in German is “stern,” which must be intentional. I was not surprised that no one guessed this one correctly.

18) What Howard Stern original did Sugar Ray cover to get on the show and launch their career? Potpourri for $1,000, Alex

They sent him a CD of their cover of “Psychedelic Bee,” a song that Howard had been playing on the air for many years. It was a rocking cover and he played it every day for a few weeks until they finally came in. No one had ever heard of them and their first CD had sold only 20,000 copies. After they appeared, their album went gold and they took off. That cover actually appears on Sugar Ray's greatest hits CD, if you are interested.

Potpourri for $1,000, Alex

19) According to Too Much Joy, why is it that otters never cry?

Tim Quirk sings in “The Otter Song,” that, “Otters never cry, ’cause they always got the water in their eye, and baby when I die, I, wanna be an otter.”

20) What dead person is Filter’s song “Hey Man, Nice Shot” about?

The rumor is that it was about R. Budd Dwyer, who was the Treasurer for the state of Pennsylvania. He was charged with some financial impropriety and decided to hold a press conference to answer the charges. He gave a bizarre, rambling speech and then reached into a manila envelope. He took out a huge gun, said, “Stand back, this will hurt someone!” and then put the gun in his mouth and fired one shot. It blew off the top of his head, which erupted in a fountain of blood. The blood poured out of his nose as he died and the entire room freaked out. The whole thing was broadcast live on TV only once and never again. Naturally, I have it from two different angles, thanks to my appetite for destruction.

21) What singer recorded the song “Santa Claus Has Got the AIDS This Year”?

It was Tiny Tim and the song was more about his germ phobia than any real threat to Santa. It was written in the beginning of the AIDS crisis and I think Tiny thought it was akin to having a cold. At the end of the song Santa says, “A doctor will cure me! I will be back next year!” I am sure that kids all over would still love Santa if he had “the AIDS.”

22) How many people has Don King killed?

At a minimum, the answer is two. According to Andrew Schaad, “In 1954, while running a gambling house, Don King killed Hillary Brown in what was later ruled self defense. In 1966, arrested for non-negligent manslaughter for stomping and pistol whipping Sam Garrett to death; he was convicted of second degree murder. A judge suspended his sentence and ordered a new trial, where he was convicted of non-negligent homicide.” He also claims to have shot a burglar as a kid, but that story has never been independently verified.

Too Pure Hardcore Obscure In-Store

Weird Connections

35) The authors of Sein Language and the Catcher in the Rye

I would’ve accepted any variation on the idea of them having the same initials, the same first and middle names, or that they are both Jewish authors. I picked this because we all have the same middle name and initials. Jerome David Salinger, Jerome David Seinfeld (actually Signfeld) and Joshua David Saitz.

36) Ann Landers, Dear Abby, Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner

They are all Jews, and oddly enough, Nimoy and Shatner are also both Canadian, like the people in the next question.

37) Natasha Henstridge, Pamela Anderson and Jason Priestly

They are all Canadian.

38) Jimmy Carter and John Lennon

This is the most obscure question on the test and if someone had gotten it, I might’ve just given them some prizes. The answer is pretty weird, but 100% true. Both Jimmy Carter and John Lennon filed official police reports CLAIMING to have seen a UFO with their own eyes.

39) Bruce, Eddy and Tiger

They are the black fighters in the Tekken series.

40) The Stone Roses and the Boo Radleys

This is a stupid question and my wife yelled at me for including it. I would have accepted either of two answers: 1) in both bands, the guitarist writes all the songs, but NEVER sings, which is VERY unusual or 2) both bands have a member that goes by one, four-letter made up name. In the Stone Roses, it’s Reni on drums and the Boos lead singer, Simon Rowbottom, goes by the name Sice. Sorry about that.

41) Bruce Lee, Richard Belzer and comedian Robert Schimmel

This is another super obscure one, but the answer is that they all have just one testicle. This gives new meaning to the title of Belzer’s book, which was meant to be a play on the idea of Lee Harvey Oswald (who Belzer’s head is superimposed on for the cover shot), and it’s called “Another Lone Nut.”

Andrew Schaad’s Questions

42) Marc Sanders gave up designing vending machines to return to college. While earning an industrial design MA conferred jointly by Imperial College’s Engineering Department and the Royal College of Art, he took something everyone has owned and reinvented it. This thing could now be taken almost anywhere. Name his space age folding invention.

It is the Strida folding bicycle. Andrew is a big fan of bicycles.

43) The late Daws Butler was the voice actor who injected personality into all of the following limited animation characters except: a: Quick Draw McGraw / b: Bullwinkle J. Moose / c: Cap’n Crunch / d: Snagglepuss
I am against multiple choice questions, but the answer is B) Bullwinkle, who was voiced by the shows creator, Jay Ward.

H.D. Miller’s Questions

Who are the following non-musical groups of people:

44) The Tinkers

According to Howard’s original answer, “The Tinkers are the Irish Travellers, the gypsy-like group of outsiders who live at the edges of Irish society. They've established a colony in South Carolina. It's a base from which the men go out each spring to practice their scams and cons on the unsuspecting normal people. Anyone who knows a lot about Ireland should be able to get this one.”

45) The Clampers

According to Howard’s original answer, “The Clampers are members of E Clampus Vitus, a 19th century fraternal order which lampooned more serious groups like the Masons and the Odd Fellows. ("The Grand Poobah" is an official Clamper title, the origin of the term.) It was established during the Gold Rush in California to take care of "disabled miners, orphans and widows, especially the widows." They were revived in the 1930s as a group to honor California history and now exist mostly to erect historical plaques on old whorehouses, saloons, and chop suey houses, and, of course, to hold giant parties they call “doings.” A very cool group.

46) What do the following albums have in common: SOS by Abba, Live Evil by Black Sabbath, Aja by Steely Dan, and Aoxomoxoa by the Grateful Dead

This one is deceptively simple. All of the titles are palindromes, which some of you were able to figure out. When Howard posed it to me, however, I couldn’t figure it out.

47) Aside from being singers and female, what do the following people have in common: Dusty Springfield, Nancy Sinatra, Carly Simon, Tina Turner, Sheena Easton, Shirley Bassey and Sheryl Crow. Finally, some philosophical thoughts

When Howard gave me this question, I thought they had all fucked Prince, because of Sheena Easton and Sheryl Crow. But Carly Simon? Come on! She’s JoJo the dog-faced woman! The answer is also deceptively simple, they have all performed the theme from a James Bond movie.

Finally, some philosophical thoughts

48) What the fuck is up with Bill Gates being such an ugly fucking asshole?

People are often given a handicap to challenge them to succeed. It’s not that he’s ugly because he’s rich, it’s that he’s rich because he’s lucky. He’s had to work very hard to make people not look at his heinous face, his droopy turkey neck, his dorky glasses and his nerdy haircut. The only thing that allows women to ignore these facts is the huge pile of cash he sits on every night.

49) When you put a cold drink in a Thermos, it keeps it cold but when you put a hot drink in a Thermos, it keeps it hot. How do it know?

According to Lurky, it’s because there are tiny gnomes who work inside a miniature power plant inside the Thermos. They take the temperature and then strive to maintain that temperature for as long as possible.

50) Who would you fuck, if you had absolutely no choice: your mother or your father?

So long as you kept it heterosexual, I gave you full credit.

Tie Breaker: How many CDs do I have? Just give me a number, in case I need to break a tie.

I was too lazy to actually count and luckily it didn’t come to that. I have a CD tower that is actually taller than me and it’s supposed to hold 1,000 CDs, but it’s not full. I also have dozens of CDs in the car, so probably close to 1,000.

The final scores on this quiz, in order

Andrew Schaad - 51

Eric Lyden - 40

Andrea Hope - 28

John Endicott - 26.5

My Wife (who got no help from me) - 21

Emersøn Dameron - 17

Ben Saitz (my brother) - 1