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Juli’s Maxi-Rant™
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These Maxi-Rants™ were shouted at me by my wife Juli and you as a reader should hear them in your own head as the screaming rants they are. I wrote them down as quickly as I could and explained any obscure references. She rants more often than I do, but her topics are whatever random things that are annoying her at the moment. Enjoy a cathartic release as she vents and please try to stay on her good side.
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“You gotta be pretty fuckin’ bad if I won’t fuck you. The Comic Book Guy [from The Simpsons] is pretty close to unfuckable. I’ll fuck ugly guys if they’re clean and have nice clothes, but if they’re good looking and wear hesher clothes, it’s a no. If you have ever worn stirrup pants, you’re out. I would never fuck a guy who hangs out in a comic book shop—I’ll tell you that.”
While watching video personal ads on a local cable show called Strictly Personal: “If you are a girl advertising that you are kinky or even hinting about sex in your personal ad, you are asking for trouble. Keep your mouth shut because you’re going to attract a lot of freaks that will try to fuck you. The thing is, if you are a girl, you don’t have to say anything, you can just go on a date and then say you want to fuck, and they will just fuck you. There’s no need to advertise.”
After watching a commercial with ALF hawking some long distance service: “ALF should just be killed.We should just burn him alive.” I said, “Do you want to burn the puppet or the guy that controls the puppet?” and she screamed at me, “ALF SHOULD JUST BE KILLED!”
“Bill Paxton is a piece of fuckin’ shit.That guy needs to fall off a bridge and be eaten by sharks. That tornado movie [Twister] was the worst movie ever. Bill Pullman is a hot guy. Steve Buscemi—he’s a dog, but I bet he knows how to fuck.”
When Juli saw former Beatle Ringo Starr in an ad for some financial services company she screamed, “Go die, you sellout old crow!”
“I saw a guy on the bus and his eyeball looked like one of those cow eyeballs that they let kids play with at the Exploratorium [a very unique science-themed museum for kids in San Francisco]. It was blue and watery and it had a bunch of layers on it and it made me sick to my stomach. That guy should be forced to wear sunglasses. What does he care? It’s not like it’s going to darken his vision. Not to be mean, but at least get an eye patch or something.”
“I don’t like monkeys but I like chimps.You could probably get them to replace retarded people. They could sew buttons on coats or work a shake machine—or they could get ’em to cut tickets [at the movies] like that retard I saw with scissors in a wheelchair. [I was with her at this place and it was bizarre. The kid had some kind of palsy and they left him alone in a wheelchair at the theater entrance with a pair of scissors.We were expected to stick our tiny movie ticket between the blades and let the kid cut it in half.]You could probably walk by him because what can he do? He’s a retard in a wheelchair.” I disagreed and said, “They shouldn’t make monkeys work because it’s against their nature,” and she said,“Yes, they should.They could easily teach them things.”
While I was watching an episode of Futurama on TV, Juli yelled, “I hate it! It’s so fuckin’ stupid! When I hear that music—ecchhh! I want to punch you. [in a sarcastic voice] ‘I’m Fry…’ None of the characters are funny. I would expect more from Matt Groening [the creator of Futurama and The Simpsons]. I can’t believe he puts his name on that piece of shit. I’d rather watch a Bugs Bunny marathon [Juli hates Bugs Bunny].The fact that you find it [Futurama] entertaining is mind-boggling to me. I think you should know better.”
I receive a lot of different submissions for this zine but so far I have only published my writing, a few random letters that I found entertaining and my wife’s Mini-Rants™. I tell this to everyone who asks and even posted it on my web site, but people still send me their bad short stories, music and books. I sat down recently to look at a submission I had received. Juli yelled, “Why are you going to read that shit? I know this story: You’re gonna read it. You’re gonna say it’s so fuckin’ bad and then you’re going to say you don’t even want to write about it and I’m going to say, ‘See? I told you that you wasted your fuckin’ time.’ You don’t even have time to read the books that you buy.You can read it when you sell all that shit in the closet and then paint the baby’s room.”
[For the record, my wife thinks it’s acceptable to let a baby live in a large closet for the first two years of its life and that it would be “cozy” and not creepy. With all the money we’ll save we can put some away for the kid’s future therapy needs.]
[Update: We’re moved to a bigger place so the kid can have his own room. These things have a way of working themselves out sometimes.]
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