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A Date with Al Goldstein - Bonus Track
My wife and her best friend Natasha had a very interesting conversation about Al Goldstein and Ron Jeremy after our encounter and luckily, one of them saved it. In my circle of friends, we all like to play a game where you have to answer the question: who would you fuck if you had no choice? I know a lot of literal people say, “Well I would just die and not fuck them,” and those people are more commonly called assholes or, in my house, ruiners! It usually goes something like this, "Who would you fuck if you no choice: your mother or your grandmother?” If someone says they couldn’t do either one, then say, “If you don’t fuck them, we’re going to let a bunch of bikers gang rape and murder them while you watch,” and suddenly look who is ready to play the game! My wife and I like to get specific and mix it up with questions like, “Who would you eat out until they climax, Rosie O’Donnell after a long bike ride or Bea Arthur, who hasn’t shaved her bush since the Carter Administration?” The point is that you have to choose one or the other and give a good reason, in this case, Bea is my go-to girl simply because she deserves an orgasm WAY more than that fat cunt Rosie. There is also a popular variation on this game called Fuck, Kill, or Marry where you are given a choice of three women and you have to fuck one, kill one and marry one, which makes you consider what qualities you really look for in a partner or a victim. In this case we’ll give three good ones instead of heinous ones, Carmen Elektra, Natalie Portman and Milla Jovovich. My answer is pretty easy: I’ve always wanted to fuck Milla Jovovich, but I think she’s insane, so I’ll just fuck her. Carmen Elektra is hot hot hot, but I don’t think I can follow Dennis Rodman’s magic stick and besides, she’s not really bright enough for me to marry, so I have to kill her (this is all just a joke, I have nothing against her and would probably choose to fuck her if she had arrived in a different trio). Natalie Portman is gorgeous and smart, so I would marry her. She’s also a nice Jewish girl from Long Island and I was always told that was the kind of woman I am supposd to marry, so Natalie, you win the grand prize. Stop dating hot rich kids and be my mistress! Actually I haven’t seen any of her movies besides The Professional (Léon) and Beautiful Girls, but those were enough to make her my dream girl.
Juli
Did you tell them [your friends]
the Al Goldstein story?
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Natasha, sitting on Joey
Buttafuoco’s ample lap.
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Natasha
Yeah. I did. They were both amused. Traci said it didn’t surprise her that I would get hit on that way. She said that was my luck. I agreed.
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Juli
So you’re not going to let him
[Al Goldstein] go down town?
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Natasha
No, you and T [at the time, my nickname was just “T” as in “token teabag” because I was the only guy around] are my cockblockers.
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Juli
I would if he was 20 years
younger and 100 lbs lighter
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Natasha
How much would I have to pay you to let him [Al] go downtown?
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Juli
Y’know, he’s not the worst
you could put in front of me,
and I’m sure he’s good.
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Natasha
Ron Jeremy or Al Goldstein?
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Ron Jeremy kissing Juli’s neck.
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Al Goldstein with a mouth full of dicks.
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Juli
Dining at the Y?
Oh that’s rough...
Al.
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Juli
As for sex, I wouldn’t want Ron’s big thing, but at the same time, I wouldn’t want Al wheezing on me.
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Natasha
I would rather eat at the Y than be eaten by RJ [Ron Jeremy].
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Juli
Yeah, there’s something incredibly repulsive about that guy. I should save this IM for Josh, he’d be amused.
[I am, thanks for saving it! - Jøsh]
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Natasha
Absolutely I couldn’t be with some nasty whore, though.
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Juli
Yeah it would have to be someone really clean, no porn stars.
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Natasha
Okay, so now you can tell my boyfriend he has some stiff competition.
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Juli
I think I’d rather let RJ do it [eat pussy] to me than do it myself, I can always close my eyes and pretend it’s someone else.
There’s no pretending on the on the Goodship Tuna Boat.
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Natasha
Yeah. I don’t care what you tell me, those porn stars are not cleaner than I am.
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Natasha
Yeah. That RJ is so nasty. I find women more attractive. He is sick.
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Juli
Okay:
Gary the retard or Ron Jeremy?
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Gary the retard likes to
eat the Pink Taco, ladies.
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Natasha
That RJ looks like someone blew him up with water. He really looks sick.
Oh shit...
umm...
...RJ.
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Juli
Wow! I thought only I was repulsed that much by that little menace.
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Natasha
Let me tell you, Beetlejuice is at the bottom of the barrel, but RJ is only one up. I would hang out with him, don’t get me wrong, but I certainly wouldn’t let him lick me like dog food. [On the 1st Beetlejuice DVD, he has sex with a crack whore who tells him to “eat her pussy like it’s dog food.”]
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Juli
Beetlejuice or a street prostitute
(no AIDS, but no guarantees
about anything else)?
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Natasha
A street prostitute.
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Juli
I learn something new
about you every day.
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Natasha
Yes, I am such a mystery.
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