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What You’re Missing from Negative Capability #2
The print version of the zine contains a lot of stuff that the web site never could (i.e. elaborate layouts, tons of pictures and crisp type design) and it also has a whole bunch of stories that I’m never going to post online. So your choices are: buy a copy or miss out on the best stuff I’ve ever done. Here’s what you’re missing:
Table of Contents
I spent a very long time designing a cool, interesting and unique way of presenting all of the stories and there’s only way to see it: buy a copy!
Dedication/Inspiration/Ejaculation
Where I thank those who have helped inspire me to make the new issue. Some are friends, some are fans, some are just people who I feel indebted to. I also tell people the names of a few books, magazines and CDs that are well worth checking out because they motivated me to do something better than I thought I was capable of doing.
Your Questions Answered
The answers to the trivia questions from NC1, the winners of that contest and even a list of people that almost won. I also thank a few people for their contributions and interest right over a picture of a big schlong. This is the “my big cock” issue of Negative Capability, and it shows.
Eat Me!
A little self-deprecation and I finally turn my razor wit and vicious insight on myself. If you think I’m mean to you, imagine how cruel I am to myself, This is the Negative Capability Food Section and includes: healthy recipes for soup, scones and something my wife and I invented, S’muffins! There’s also a discussion of my piss poor eating habits, my lovely childhood, tips for staying in shape and even a restaurant review of my favorite Chinese place in NYC.
How To Name Everything (a public service)
Most people can’t name anything and they definitely need my help. Each issue of my zine will have a public service. This is the meanest thing in the whole zine, even harsher than NC1’s “How to Cope with Assholes,” and even though a bunch of pantywaist lame-o losers are whining that it’s just “too mean” I mean every goddamn word of it. Before you name your business, your zine or your children, please consult this article, listen and learn.
A Futile Attempt to Bring You Around to My Way of Thinking
One of things I’m proudest of. I know that many people make mistakes and after a while, they’re no longer wrong, because everyone thinks they’re right. But wrong is always wrong, whether you’re talking about Niccolo Machiavelli or lying by saying that you gave something “110%” because that’s fucking wrong. Short, to the point, and ultimately futile. At least I tried, right?
I Am A Gay Homosexual
A love story, all true, about how I met my lovely wife and went from being a vicious cruel prick to a married vicious cruel prick. With a spot color: PINK! This is one of the most personal pieces I’ve ever done and so far it is by far the most popular. See, people seem to think that my anger is an act, and if you believe that, in this piece I put all that aside so I can tell you why Julianna, my wife, is the greatest person in the world. She saved me from a life of pathetic drudgery. She inspires me. She takes care of me. She is my everything. She is the best part of me. I love her with all my heart and if she wasn’t my wife, I’d be all anger, all the time, until I snapped and started killing people.
The Flicker of the Idiot Box
Weird and obscure video reviews of stuff I bought from TV, online or in a store. I also talk about how I feel about taping shows, advertising (and the whores who take it in the ass from anyone for money) and why Jerry Springer is a fucking jerkoff. This section includes ordering info, where I found the tape, retail prices, URLs if they have them as well as the funniest damn writing in any reviews section. Tapes reviewed include: Just Kidding, Too Much Joy’s Dante’s Disco Inferno, Cops - Too Hot for TV! & Jerry Springer’s Too Hot!, Winnie the Pooh, Mondo Violence, an accounting tape, a nature tape, William Wegman’s dog videos, Impact Video Magazine, Howard Stern’s Butt Bongo Fiesta, Aardman Animations and more!
I’d Rather Be A Killer Than A Victim
A discussion of my fascination with killers and the serial killer phenomenon. I also offer a new theory as to why people become killers and then explain why it is that I’m so interested. This is intended as a prelude to a fictional story about the life of one real killer.
Sole Provider
An elaborate work of fiction that is based on the life a real serial killer that has fascinated me for almost eight years. After the story, I explain what it all means, who the story is based on and why you should care. One of many zine innovations I am taking credit for – fiction with an edge followed by a literary analysis.
How You Know They’re 100% Wrong
First in a long series of pictures with commentary making fun of wacky Christians and other assholes who are dead fucking wrong.
TCB
It’s where I take care of business, just like Elvis. This includes ad rates, distribution information as well as info about other stuff I’ve worked on recently. This is finally online. Click here to check it out.
There is also a very cruel anti-milk ad parody on the back cover featuring the assholes from NYPD Blue with a mouthful of each other’s spunk. Lastly, there are lots of cool pictures, weird and interesting background illustrations and of course, some nifty fucking design. Isn’t that just getting you moist right now? Sorry. Sometimes I go too far. Please order yours today by clicking here!
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