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What You’re Missing
The print version of the zine contains a lot of stuff that the web site never could (i.e. elaborate layouts and crisp type design) and it also has a whole bunch of stories that I’m not going to post online ever. So your choices are: buy a copy or miss out on the best stuff I’ve ever done. Here’s what you’re missing:
Take My Word For It
A list of things I really dig, with hyperlinks where relevant. You know, I decided it was time to post this, so I did. Click here to check it out, okay?
Let Me Warn You
The most viciously funny grammar lesson ever written. It has received high praise from teachers, students, pedophiles and anyone who has to regularly review zines. You may think you can spell and use proper grammar, but odds are, you’re fucking something up pretty hard on a regular basis. I may post it, even though it’s a classic, just because most people are so stupid it’s scary. Essential material for 90% of the online world.
The Porno Movie Name Game
Some funny movie titles for porno movies that parody mainstream films, like “Joanie Loves Chachi becomes Bonie Loves Crotchie ,” and “Alien: Resurrection becomes Al & His Big Erection .”
My Best Friend Is A Junkie!
The most popular story so far and the personal favorites of Scott Huffines of Atomic Books and James, president of POPsmear . It is the true story of how my best friend of eight years threw his life down the toilet. It also gives my long and positive history with drugs in hysterical, minute and exhaustive detail. Includes an awesome picture of Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble doing whippets out of balloons.
I Enjoy Being A Girl or, Sensitivity Corner
About my love affair with “monkeys,” my term for sentient stuffed animals. It also includes the only poem I will probably ever publish, and it’s really cute!
How To Tell If It’s Time To Get Married/How To Tell If It’s Time To Run Like Hell
A simple list of warning signs that it’s either time to make the commitment or bolt for the door.
More Savant Than Idiot
My lengthy and very funny story of being on MTV’s game show Idiot Savants. You’ll be pleased to know that like all my stories, it has a happy ending. I have finally added this story online, but it’s only available as a PDF. You can also see some actual video from the shows I was on, thanks to YouTube.com.
Isn’t That Embarrassing?
Pictures and funny captions featuring Hitler in shorts, David Duchovny wearing nothing but a teacup, Nixon bowling, Larry King’s mug shot and my favorite, Charles Grodin without that dead squirrel on his head. Hey! Guess what? I decided to add this after all. So click here to check it out, yo!
Just To Prove A Point
A declaration of intent along with a picture of me. Sure it’s gay, but it’s my fucking zine, honey.
My Life As A Pedophile/Bisexual/Fitness Instructor/Porn Star
Online hijinks where I assumed a number of identities, all in search of a good time. Also includes some great transcripts of horny idiots, plus a shot of a nice ass and Jenna Jameson gets buck wild.
The Eighth And Ninth Circles of Hell
Psychotic attacks on all the evil in the world, from (fucking moron) Michael Jordan to Anne Rice and wiggers. Required reading for budding misanthropes.
Cover This
The extensive reviews section, covering only tribute CDs and cover albums. Includes reviews of everything from Grateful Dead tributes to punk covers of AM classics to alternative covers of cartoon themes and Schoolhouse Rock! I finally decided to post this, but in the Everything Else section, for a reason which currently escapes me.
Photos
Some pictures of New York City landmarks and Gus, the psychotic polar bear from the Central Park Zoo.
How You Know They’re 100% Wrong
First in a long series of pictures with commentary making fun of wacky Christians and other assholes who are dead fucking wrong.
There are lots of cool pictures, weird and interesting background illustrations and of course, some drop caps. Isn’t that just getting you moist right now? Sorry.
Here’s one of the pictures I promised, a screengrab from the Howard Stern Show where the world's largest female (?!?!?) bodybuilder, Nicole Bass, took her top off to show off her new implants. Now, that is sexy! She may not be that famous, but she is pretty disturbing to look at. Genetic testing has proven that she is a female, but I still think she has a small penis.
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